i have forgotten!

i remember how it felt letting go of all my cares. the warm fuzzy feeling in my chest as i silently muttered the words i was told to repeat, all was well with my world. it was like being snuggled in a warm, thick duvet on a cold stormy night. i remember the resolutions i made, eyes blazing as i passionately told myself that i will follow him wherever he led me, as i swore to always pick up his diary to read and learn more about him.
now only a few years later i can only wonder what went wrong. my duvet has become a rose bush, beautiful on the outside but thorny and pricky. i can no longer bask in the comfort of knowing everything will be well as i have forgotten the road to the cross, all i have for comfort is knowledge which is about as comfortable as lying naked on a hard cold slab of marble, in the middle of a blizzard.
though i remember how i felt when i made the pact with him, i am having a whole lot of difficulty remembering why i left the quest. i forsook knowing him for knowing about him, which is definitely not the same thing. i learnt to speak christianese while my life drifted off course. and though i made several attempts to get back to him, it was always about me and i just could not let go of the steering wheel, i instead tried to broker a deal to make us co-pilots.
i turned him into my personal genie, rubbing the lamp when i run into difficulties and expectin speedy answers to my requests.
his diary has collected a thick layer of dust and cobwebs on the shelf i left it months ago, and now in a bid to find that satisfying warmness i have turned to man.
now like christian in the pilgrims progress i have shouldered my bundle and i am searching for the path back to my duvet, but i am confronted with a complicated network of roads and i really cannot remember the path that takes me back to where i started from.
this may sound ludicrous, but i have forgotten.